mom struggles

… I haven’t blogged in forever. I feel oddly detached from something I once considered ‘mine’—yet here I am. Because, it’s time to write.

This past year has been a struggle.

Oh the Commitments

Last spring I committed myself to a new job, working part-time from home. I could swing it. Both of my boys would be in school three days a week.

And then, in the summer, I was presented with an opportunity to assist as a teacher in my youngest son’s preschool class twice a week. I figured I could find a balance, so I said yes. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see my sweet little boy make his first friends. And he’s only four years old once.

But in November, a mini-bomb dropped. (I call it a mini-bomb because my problems are nothing compared to what some go through. I completely acknowledge that. I am very blessed.)

Sayonara Brick and Morter

A series of … shall I say, “unfortunate events” led my husband and I to pulling our oldest son from his school. In the middle of the day.

Yes, it was that bad.

I quickly enrolled my son in a cyber school, trying to make the transition as smooth as possible, and am now responsible for being his 2nd grade teacher (along with my husband and sister-in-law who help on the days I am with my youngest in preschool).

And yes, it was the only option we felt was best.

Cut in Quarters

Aside from these three roles, I am also mom/wife.

Being split into four different roles—working mom, teaching preschool mom, teaching second grade mom, and everyday mom/wife—each requiring it’s own specific needs/time, is tough.

I feel I’m giving each role 25 percent, at best. I want to be super mom. I want to give 100 percent to everything—especially as mom and wife.

Yet I’m not. I know I’m not. No one is going to tell me I’m not.

Who would say it anyways? That’s like telling someone they are a terrible person.

But I am ‘quartering it.’ And I dislike it, very much.

On top of all of this, I have a story that is clawing away at my brain. I want to write it down. I want to find the time to write it down. But by the end of the day, I am mentally exhausted. The idea of spending any additional time—either in front of a computer screen or brainstorming in a note book—makes me cringe.

All I want to do is curl up under my down comforter and sleep … so I have enough energy and motivation to do it all over again the next day.

Sadly, “snow days” have become my best friend. I live in the polar vortex. Because of the cold, my youngest’s school has been closed a few times this month. I revel in these days. one.less.thing.to.do.

Grocery shopping? I’d rather not.

Cook dinner? My brain shuts down. I completely lack culinary creativity.

Cleaning? Sheesh, it never ends. So sometimes I just ignore it. But don’t judge. I know you ignore it sometimes too. 😉

HOWEVER … There is Light

Church. Faith. Both of which I am thankful.

My priest spoke beautiful words of truth the other Sunday …

Whatever you do, you shouldn’t be doing it for YOU. It’s not about YOU. It’s about HIM. It’s about LOVE. Your love for Him. Change how you do it, and do it out of love. ❤

So I have been trying my hardest to recall these words every single time I start to feel the “ughs” and the “whys” and the discouragement roll around.

There is a REASON why for everything. I don’t have all the answers right now. And it may not all be perfect. But I need to have faith. I need to trust. I need to love. I will love.